David Hasselhoff To Remake Bourne Series

The world's most awesome Dave, David Hasselhoff, has announced plans by 17th Century Fox Studios to remake the Bourne series of films - The Bourne Identity, The Bourne Lunacy and The Bourne Ville The Chocolate Manufacturer.

Hasselhoff, aged 79, is believed to be "over the moon" by the prospect and is planning plastic surgery to make himself look like a fridge freezer left on a building site in 1978.

17th Century Fox said that the movies will be filmed at the same time, and should be on general release by next Wednesday.

Jade Goody: "Surgery Went Wrong"

Jade Goody today admitted her latest cosmetic surgery had gone extremely wrong.
(We warn some viewers that they may find the picture attached to this article exremely distressing)
Goody was thought to have been spending between $120,000 - $400,000 per treatment in an exclusive Beverly Hills surgery.
However, it has been revealed that Goody has been attending Archers Tattoos and Stuff Emporium in Colchester, Essex, where the average "treatment" is quoted as "£12.50 and/or a favour".
Local Colchester people complained of seeing a "self-obssessed minger" wobbling about in the streets, just before tea time.
Corrective surgery is scheduled for 18th Novtember 2307.

The Goody management released this photo and want to warn "other beautiful celebrities" of the "dangers of excessive cosmetic surgery".

Jade Goody, pictured by Benjamin Trousers-Ketchup

leaving Archers Tattoos earlier this month

Tom Jones Rules Himself out of Newcastle Hotseat

Legendary Welsh crooner, Tom Jones, has distanced himself from reports stating that he has been involved in secret talks with the Newcastle United owner Mike Ashley - about becoming the club's new first team manager.

A spokesman for Mr Jones, aged 26, commented:

"Tom was very flattered with the link to Newcastle United manager's job, but he is currently recording a new album of Norwegian death metal songs. The songs were especially picked for him by Uri Geller, last Tuesday at about 4am. Rumours that Ruud Gullit is working on the album are not true, although we did contact Kenny Dalglish - but he was at a steam tractor convention in Keswick and unobtainable."

Officials at Newcastle United were maintaining radio silence today, although owner Mike Ashley was seen entering the St James' Park stadium.

He was wearing black shoes, grey trousers and jacket, a white shirt and black and white tie, and also a white baseball cap.To many observers, this was a sign that Mr Ashley was thinking about convincing Amanda Holden to take charge.

The fans favourite for the manager's job, Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen, is due to meet with Staff Sergeant Maurice Oaklam Beale at the Swanwick Naval Association gala luncheon this afternoon.

No genetically modified products are said to be on the menu.

Bowen was expected to provide the doilies and cardboard cut-out Shane McGowan figures.

"I am a Cauliflower" Claims Cameron

David Cameron today shocked members of an over 55's crown green bowling club, by rolling around on the ground and shouting "I am cauliflower" to all and sundry.
Cameron, who celebrated his 912th birthday today, has only just taken over the patronage of the Chesterfield over 55's crown green bowling club as part of his birthday celebrations.

Members were stunned by Cameron's antics and eventually they were forced to have Cameron removed by the East Kilbride formation dancing and aerobics team.
"It was a disgrace" commented Reginald Takamoto McTeeth "I've been a member for 23 minutes but have never seen such a nuisance in all my time here. He should be flogged at dawn. Then shot. Then eaten by squirrels. And cut in half. And bopped on the head repeatedly with a large herring."

The club secretary, Archibald Leopold Benitez Aguilera whom has been a member for 156 centuries, stated "The club has been forced to ban cauliflower impersonators from its premises from this day forth. As for Mr David Cameron, his membership has been revoked and to be quite frank he is regarded as a bit of a nitwit around Chesterfield. On a personal note, I'd like to point out that I think Mr Cameron makes for a pathetic cauliflower but for a great twat."
Cameron was available for comment, but he was insistent on wearing leaves and telling us he was a cauliflower at high volume.
Therefore we declined his interview.

Members of the 1996 Crystal Palace football team however have taken Cameron under their wing.
Current reports state that Cameron is making fine progress under the watchful eye of Mark Bright and Geoff Thomas.
Only time will tell whether there is any hope of redemption for this estranged Dave.

A cauliflower pretending to be Simon Cowell,

taken at the international festival of vegetable

celebrity impersonators, Hong Kong 1967

Giant Bats Eat Paris Hilton

Police in Macedonia, were today investigating claims from a Skopje baker that a swarm of giant bats had eaten infamous media tart Paris Hilton.

The baker, whom wants to remain anonymous, has apparently stated that at 9.30pm last night Paris Hilton was walking her pet cheese grater around Skopje Park when approximately 26 giant bats attacked Hilton and ate her as she ran away - along with her pet cheese grater.
The name of the cheese grater is as yet unknown, although we will announce a "Name The Cheese Grater" competition in due course.

A spokesman for the Hilton family said "As far as we know there is nothing to substantiate these claims by the Skopje baker. We can confirm that Paris has been in Macedonia, as she wanted to learn about what life was like in the 18th Century."

Here at Squirrel World News we were insulted by the Hilton statement, and are hoping that Paris has indeed been eaten by giant bats.

A cheese grater

frollocking in Skopje Park

in the winter of 1925

probably around tea time