Justin Hawkins Signs Deal With Norwich City

It has just been brought to Squirrel Sports News attention that the former frontman of one of the worst bands ever formed, Justin Hawkins of The Darkness - now thankfully defunct, has signed a contract with English Championship strugglers Norwich City.

It is believed Hawkins only accepted the $23.48 per annum contract on the basis he gets to design all the home, away and pointless kits for the next four seasons.

A spokesman for Norwich City confirmed that the Hawkins is in fact a Norwich City player, and could make his debut at the weekend.
"With Darren Huckerby making sounds about leaving Carrow Road, it was important that we looked for new forward talent as soon as possible. Justin fits the bill. He's under 55 and unattached and also has a fine eye for fashion. We hope Justin will make our kits the best the world has ever seen. We have talked about his music career, but got bored after 39 seconds. He's not planning a comeback, Hallelujah."

Norwich City wouldn't however confirm rumours that they were also to bolster their midfield with the triple-signing of Bryan Adams, Norah Jones and Tom Araya (of Slayer fame).

Exciting times at Norwich City!

Here Hawkins can be seen wearing what we believe is to be Norwich City's new home strip for the 2008/2009 season.

Lord Lucan found in Manchester City trophy room

Suspected killer and ice-cream fondler, Lord Lucan, has been found alive and well in Premiership club, Manchester City's trophy room.

The room which has not been used since the early seventies, was opened to let the stench of mediocrity escape, when the discovery was made."It was him alright..." said Michael Jackson, who was there on a week long trial as a corner flag, "I instantly recognised his face and his hair ......and his lovely soft hands...and his pert little bottom", added the ghostly white freak.

Club officials immediately phoned the local takeaway for some pizza and then held a meeting in a nearby mortuary (players lounge), to discuss what to do next."We have decided to give Lord Lucan the chance to give himself up to the authorities...or we will be forced to give him a place in our upcoming midweek match", said the club tea-lady.

When asked about the situation, club manager Sven Goran Erikson would only say "He's a good lad, an' were 100% behind him...he just needs to show the commitment that I, and everyone else, expect from a former killer, who wants to make it in the world of mid-table football."

Geovanni celebrates scoring

Cardiff to Host Bi-Annual Paperclip Racing Event

The legendary bi-annual Paperclip Formula One event is to be staged this summer at the Millenium Stadium.
In 2004, seventy-two people flocked to see the event in the 100,000 seater Maracana Stadium in Rio, Brazil.

The world paperclip racing champion, Umberto Flogolololovti of Peru, is planning to go for a record 17th championship this time around.
Speaking through an intepreter pigeon, Flogolololovti insists that his presence there is to maintain his extraordinary record.
"My first win was in 1974. I was 4 months old. Which is the same age as my poodle. I like to stroke sheep."

The bookmaker Bet Fred has stopped taking bets on Farquhar being the name of the interpretor pigeon.
The latest betting:
Farquhar 14-9358 Fav, Trevor 3-1, Dave 6-1, Parrot 6-1, Antonio Banderas's Pants 10-1, Puke 10-1, Nigel Mansell 10-1, Cucumber 15-1Sausage Beans and Mash 18-1, Giuseppe 20-1, 10110110101 50-1

Newcastle Sack Keegan

BREAKING NEWS!!

Kevin Keegan has been sensationally sacked as manager of Newcastle after less than 2 days in charge.

Although the full details are yet to come to light, it would seem the mighty Kev was less than impressed at Mike Ashley's - the Newcastle United owner - suggestion that the reserve team coach duties should be shared between Ronan Keaton and Jan Leeming.

A member of the office staff at St James' Park told Squirrel World News that Keegan is thought to have preferred William Shatner as reserve coach.

Keegan also wanted to make Paul McKenna club captain, which did not go down well with the current club captain Felicity Kendall.

However, super Kev may return to the recording studio later this month to record his first single in 30 years.

Ricky Hatton to fight a sponge

Former WBC Welterweight champion, Ricky Hatton has today revealed his next opponent will be a sponge named Lee. The bout being nicknamed "The Inanimate Squishy Device verses the Sponge" is to be fought in a shed in the back garden of a council property in Liverpool on August 17th 2019.

Lee the Sponge who has never been KO'd in his 984 match career is hoping to get his first victory against Hatton in Liverpool and has expressed his great passion for washing machines. When asked what his preparation for big fights such as this one include, Lee simply took a pen and paper, drew a washing machine and proceeded to make orgasmic noises. His manager, Sam Allardyce was quoted "I think the fight has come at a good time for both of these great boxers. Hatton needs a good performance to get over his defeat to Floyd Mayweather and well, Lee is a sponge"


the washing machine drew by Lee

Darren Fletcher pledges future to United

Manchester United fans have been kicking themselves today after learning that Scottish vice-captain Darren Fletcher wants to remain at United for the remainder of his career and also fancies himself taking over as manager in the future.

Sir Alex Ferguson told Squirrel World News "this is obviously very concerning news for everyone at the club and the fans. this is a club of great tradition and a club that is expected to succeed so to hear that Darren wants to be a big part of United's future is very distressing"

Season ticket holder, Alan Broccoli told SWN "this my friends, is an outrage, just when things were looking bright for United's future with Rooney and Ronaldo leading us into a bright future, Darren Fletcher has put a huge downer on the whole thing"

Coffee Table Cup - 1st Round Preview

The first round of the Coffee Table Cup kicks off today with all 10 participating teams hoping to make it to the 2nd round where there will be tea cakes for everyone.

Last years winners FC Fabregas have been made 6-L favorites to win the competition again but have oddly also been made 9-@ favorites to be knocked out of the first round by FC Copenhagen.

All games kick off at 15:00 unless stated otherwise

FC Fabregas v FC Copenhagen (17:15)
Norwich City v Azerbaicheese (17:15)
Chelsea v Ronan Keating (18:00)
Nirvana v Foo Fighters (18:00) (MTV2)
Tesco v Asda (20:00)

Kevin Keegan "I want to play again"

The footballing world was in hysterics last night after ex Newcastle, England and Manchester City manager, Kevin Keegan expressed his desire to return to football after hearing that his first club Scunthorpe United were looking for a new striker.

Tiger Woods has welcomed the news and told Squirrel World Sports "it's amazing news to hear that Kevin Keegan could once again be playing football, he is the reason i took up golf in the first place. his pasty white skin and shocking hair is what inspired me to be an almost bald black man"

After 45 minutes of solid laughter, Scunthorpe United manager, Nigel Adkins, asked us to leave his office when we asked him what the possibilities of a Kevin Keegan return to Glanford Park actually were.