Showing posts with label BREAKING NEWS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BREAKING NEWS. Show all posts

Saturday, 5 July 2008

Becker: "I once ate a shoe"

Former tennis star, Boris Becker, has today admitted that he once ate a shoe shaped like Abraham Lincoln on a Thursday which he had mistaken for a cake.
The admission came at an event where Boris was booked as the after-dinner speaker.
Many guests walked out when the story was told.

The £3,948.26 per head event had caused some controversy, as it had been planned to take place underwater.
But the Thames Committee had turned down the event application.
London Mayor Boris Johnson felt this was a little harsh, but later admitted he was too busy trying to figure out how to use his toaster to care.

Meanwhile Becker has vowed to continue with his after-dinner spokesman career.





Boris Becker, yesterday.

Giant Hedgehog Eats Milton Keynes


It can be confirmed that Milton Keynes has been eaten by a giant hedgehog.
The incident happened just after 2.30pm and was apparently an unprovoked attack.

A UN peacekeeping force have been deployed and are currently preparing for a counter attack, which SWN believes will be carried out from near Luton.

The hedgehog is currently believed to be sleeping off a massive meal of Southern folk and various buildings.
It had saved many vehicles for dessert.

We can confirm many people had been tried to run for it, but had been impaled on hedgehog spikes.

The Prime Minister Gordon Brown was unavailable for comment, but a spokesman for the PM had hinted that Mr Brown was feeling "quite agitated".

Wednesday, 6 February 2008

Fighting Penguins Disrupt Antwerp

A killer pigeon prepares to attack in Antwerp, earlier today
Residents of the Belgian city Antwerp have been trapped in doors fearing for their safe being, in face of a spate of incidents involving violent pigeons.
The pigeons started causing havoc late last night, turning over parked cars and eating a pet cat.
The cat's owner is too upset to talk at present.

Local police have recorded reports of over twenty incidents where members of the public were attacked by several penguins at once, whilst walking the streets.
Some eye witness accounts reveal that the penguins were actually fighting amongst themselves before turning the focus of their attacks on people.

One man in his early thirties suffered a broken leg, a broken wrist and had his head completely removed then put back on upside-down.
We believe he is making steady progress in hospital.

One woman wasn't so fortunate.
She was taken to Luxembourg.

Scientists in the Beveren region are trying to come to a conclusion on to why the attacks are occurring with such alarming frequency.
However, at this stage they haven't yet made it out of a local bar; but we will have details as they come.
In the meantime, pigeon combat experts have warned local residents not to leave their homes unless it is absolutely necessary.
A local brewer is planning to call on the services of Jean Claude Van Damne who has recently setup a pigeon extermination company, based in Azerbaijan.
Despite being incredibly lame, Van Damne is still amazingly popular in his native Belgium.

Tuesday, 5 February 2008

Graeme Le Saux Found Drinking in a Pub Shocker!

Graeme Le Saux, the ex-footballer and current winner of BBC27's "Celebrity I've Got A Limp Wrist and Listen to Erasure", was spotted drinking in a pub in Northampton today.
Allegedly he was drinking lager, however this cannot be confirmed.
One punter suspected that Le Saux was actually drinking his own urine.

The landlord asked Squirrel World News not to name him or the pub, for fear of anti Le Saux vandalism attacks on his public house.
The landlord was surprised to see Le Saux there however:
"I couldn't believe it when he walked in! I could've cried! In fact - I did. Twice. What the f are you doing here? I asked him. But he replied in a voice so gay, I had to run upstairs to be sick."






Graeme Le Saux in a pub having a drink earlier today

Monday, 4 February 2008

Charlie Dimmock Leads Presidential Elections


Recent polls indicate that TV gardener, Charlie Dimmock, is the leading candidate in the elections for the Presidential vacancy of the Bath and Avon Over 50's Bingo club.
The previous President, Chuck Norris, stood down last week following controversy over the standard of knitwear he was wearing.
Many members thought that Norris was not wearing knitwear of the required standard that would befit their club president.
Although angry at the allegations made, Norris maintains he has no plan to exterminate any members.
It is predicted that Dimmock currently has a 86.93% majority over her nearest rival - Ron Atkinson.
Current Vice-President, Gareth Gates, is thought to be the least popular of the current crop of candidates, but is said to be "preparing to do battle" to gain the initiative in the battle for the top job.
When Gates says he is going to do battle, this is usually a cue for people to plug their ears.

Sunday, 20 January 2008

Stamp Collector Discovers New Planet In Loft.

A French-born, half-Japanese, Half-Swiss cheese stamp collector, has amazed his pet goldfish by finding a planet in his loft.
Fred Loopeh, was in his loft trying to quieten the herd of zebra that he keeps, when he made the discovery. Scientist have been unable to to explain why the planet is hiding, but have speculated that intense gravity of the zebras is causing lights to flicker in Zimbabwe.

NASA, has yet to contact Mr Loopeh, because no-one will tell them his phone number, however Mr Loopeh intends to take the planet for regular walks and is planning a galactic party in a nearby phone booth to celebrate.

Saturday, 19 January 2008

The Bookmaker Bet Fred has Stopped Taking Bets

Due to a flurry of feverish betting activity relating to crisps, pickled eggs, sausages etc, the bookmaker Bet Fred is to stop taking bets over the counter for food-related bets.
A spokesman for Bet Fred has said "The demand on the staff has been unbelievable.
Some haven't been for lunch for days..."

The bookmaker Bet Fred has stopped taking bets on Crunchy Otter in Plasticine Sauce for what the employees of Bet Fred were most likely to have for lunch.
The current betting:
Crunchy Otter in Plasticine Sauce 14-8042 Fav, Garden Gnomes 4-1, A Small Hotel 6-1, Pete Waterman 6-1, Asbestos Cake 10-1,The Complete Emmerdale DVD Box Set 25-1, Mongoose
28.6-1

New National Retirement Age Set to 402

Under proposed government guidelines, the home secretary is set to announce that the official retirement age for men and women living in the UK is to be increased to 402, by the year 1985.
This followed the disastrous policy of the retirement age being set to 12 years of age for women and 5 years of age for men.

Allied to the rise in Teletubby culture in our inner cities, the government have been forced into a re-think.
A spokesman for the Department of Work and Pensions had this to say.
"You are bothering me on my lunch break. How dare you! Please point that camera somewhere else! No! Not at my bottom! AAAAHHHH!!"

The bookmaker Bet Fred has stopped taking bets on House Brick for what the DWP spokesman was having for lunch.
The current betting:
House Brick 20-904 Fav, Trousers (Evens), James Blunt 5-1, Pro$titute 5-1, Cadbury's Creme Leg 8-1, Poo on a Stick 15-1,Findus Crispy Pancake 15-1, Asparagus with Toads 20-1




A 402 year old guy
pictured last Wednesday
in Chesterfield

Giant Fluffy Bear Terrorises Pub Regulars

The Crown & Cheesegrater pub in Wycombe was closed as an emergency situation arose in the most unusual circumstances.
A 12ft Arctic polar bear came into the lounge bar and seemingly made the decision to eat a barmaid, after she refused to serve the bear a pint of the award-winning Wadsworth's Bagel Armpit pale ale.

Regulars in the pub were seen to be "running around screaming like a load of big girls in frilly dresses", as observed by the landlord Damian Sockbridge.

The landlord rectified the situation by appealing for the bear to remain calm, and offered the bear an alternative tipple.
The bear ripped off the landlords right hand and hit a customer repeatedly with the wet end.
One frightened customer left without even eating a just purchased bag of hula-hoops.
The bear made the following statement to the National Association for English Polar Bears:
"Grrrlllloooooorrrrrgggghhhhhh oooooaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhh. Yep."

The bookmaker Bet Fred has stopped taking bets on Djimi Traore for the flavour of hula-hoops that were left behind in the fracas.
The current betting:
Djimi Traore 11-589.4 Fav, Sweet Radish 4-2, Banana & Otter 5-1,Kidney Cider & Kneepads 7-1, Salt & Westlife 8-1,Wet Shoelaces 10-1, Fireman Sam 77-3, The Colour Green 219-1

The Rolling Stones to Tour Asda

Following on from their 6,258 date Starbuck's World Tour, The Rolling Stones have revealed that they are set to embark on a 552 date UK Asda tour.
The opening night is in Llandudno on April 27th.
The band will be promoting their new album "Aisle of Frozen Peas".

A spokesman for Asda said:
"We really wanted 50 Cent, but he refused to do it as he's more of a Tesco man and was busy rehearsing his part for Shakespeare's Hamlet. We settled for the Stones though, as the Beatles were largely unavailable."

The bookmaker Bet Fred has stopped taking bets on Kettering for which town the Stones will clear out the Asda stocks of pickled eggs.

The latest odds:Kettering 14-643 Fav, Warwick 3-1, Leyland 4-1, Stockport 4-1, Shrewsbury 6-1, Warrington 9-1, New York 9-1, Barcelona 11-4, Northampton 12-1, Tony Blair 13-5, Cambridge 125-1



The Rolling Stones pictured earlier this week
during a bicycle exhibition in Aberdeen

Sausages Found on Mars


The latest automated probe launched by NASA, Toilet 2, safely crash-landed on Mars on Friday night and has been busy collating vast quantities of raw data from the Martian surface since.

It can been revealed that the Toilet 2's prime objective is to seek out intelligent life and maybe find evidence of toilet facilities.
Amazingly, NASA scientists analysing the raw data sent back from the Toilet 2 probe have discovered sausages in a canyon of Mars.

Scientists are trying to amplify Toilet 2's recognitive equipment, in an attempt to identify what the sausages are made out of.

The bookmaker Bet Fred has already stopped taking bets on Pork and Beef for the flavour of the Martian sausages.

Latest odds: Pork & Beef 11-258 Fav, Pork 3-1, Beef 4-1,Mongoose 4-1, Cheese Cabbage & Dalmation 7-1, Koala 10-1, Toes Parrots Lemons and Hair 10-1, Gareth Gates 25-1, Western Samoa 25-1, A4 Notepad & Ruler 25-1, Private Pile 50-1

Thursday, 17 January 2008

Giant Toilet Roll Terrorises Manchester

Manchester, England, was today the victim of an attack by a giant toilet roll.
Hundreds of people were horrified to be confronted by the massive walking toilet roll as they approached Piccadilly Gardens in the central area of the city.
One witness, who works in an office block which forms part of the gardens, described his terror as he was making his way to work.
"I turned the corner at Kro Bar to be confronted by a real live giant toilet roll man. It was horrible, like something out of that movie ... you know the one ... er ... Jaws 2, that was it!"

Others also claimed to have witnessed a giant walking "oven ready" chicken.
It cannot be confirmed at this moment whether the chicken was connected to the giant toilet roll attack.

Sources close to CID and Greater Manchester Police have issued a warning to travellers to the city centre for tomorrow:
"Beware of a giant mongoose and also of a giant rotating octopus. Our intelligence have told us they have been spotted moving in towards the central area of Manchester. They are currently near the Oldham area. However, we can confirm the giant toilet roll was disposed of accordingly".
A spokesman for GMP refused to confirm that they had used a giant Andrex puppy to rid the city centre of the giant toilet roll.

The giant "oven ready" chicken appears to have disappeared or has gone into hiding - more on this beast as we get information.


A giant toilet roll which terrorised Chicago
in 1977, pictured on capture by the
Chicago state Police Department
after a running overnight battle

Wednesday, 16 January 2008

Keegan Ruled Out of Toe Drummer Job


Toe have tonight confirmed that Kevin Keegan has ruled himself out of the running for the vacant drummer position.

Despite not featuring in the Squirrel World News poll, Keegan was thought to be amongst the fans favourites to become the new drummer.

A spokesman for Keegan stated "Unfortunately at this time Kevin feels he needs to expand his musical knowledge, before embarking on a journey as great as offered by the mighty Toe. But Kevin is eternally greatful for the offer."

Toe commented "Kev was offered the chance to join the world's number 2 band, but he was unwilling to grow his 70's perm back to its former glory. We also noted that he was pretty sh!t on the drums. But a great singer, mind you."

Sweden Has Disappeared From Face of Earth

Tonight at 10.33pm it was confirmed that the whole of Sweden has actually disappeared.

One man whom regularly walked from Trondheim in Norway to Ostersund in Sweden said:
"I reached the Norwegian border then suddenly was forced to stop, as I nearly fell a thousand feet towards the Earth's core. I must admit I was a little shocked to find Sweden was no longer there, but was more concerned because I thought I saw Rochdale. But I had to laugh when I realised it was an oddly shaped blue comb"

The United Nations was tonight intensifying its search for Sweden, although they were warning outside agencies that Sweden may be too far down in the Earth's core to be pulled out by the single tractor they have at hand.

Many Swedish ex-pats were flocking to the monument of Bjorn from Abba which was crafted in Montevideo, Uruguay during the Boar War by an owl.

Many European leaders offered their condolences to the Swedish nation, but added that they were hopeful that Sweden would be pulled out from the centre of the Earth soon.



Dave Ljongrundssen and Kebon McDavelsson.
Two of the Swedish men feared to be missing in the tragedy

Norwegian Loss of Daylight Causes Mass Panic

Today in Stavanger, Norway, residents and workers were thrown into chaos as day was suddenly turned into night for approximately 2.6 seconds.
Many ran in random directions screaming in terror.
One Stavanger baker managed to find himself rolling haphazardly down the side of a railway embankment.
He didn't even know how he got there.
Some students from a nearby dental college started beating each other to death with false heads, used in class by students to practise their fine dentistry technique.
A newly wed couple died when their car missed a turning and struck a giant golden cat.
Two dogs and a reindeer dragged an old lady underneath some cattle who were grazing in a field on the outskirts.
The old lady was largely unharmed, but one cow complained of a headache.
In the panic, tens of residents were found drifting out to sea - presumedly they had jumped when the blackout occurred.
The local firebrigade were called out, but many had fallen to their deaths already - having missed the pole when the alarm sounded.
The presence of molten lava in the station assembly area is still a mystery, however.
A tree surgeon was admitted to hospital with severe squirrel and nut related injuries.
He was 20 feet in the air pruning a birch tree, when the incident happened, and he claimed that he was forced to endure "insane berzerker squirrel action! They went bonkers, man!"
Scientists are exploring the possibility that the entire population of Stavanger blinked at the same time, causing the illusion of a sudden loss of daylight.
Reports of giant floating socks were reported last week over Finland, however these reports were not substantiated by the Finnish Authorities or by the European Space Agency.


Stavanger photographed from Saturn on a Shrove Tuesday in the
middle of winter whilst cherubs played Beethovens 5th utilising
an orchestra of igneous rock formations

Friday, 11 January 2008

Unusual Omelette Ingredient - a Black Hole


A woman in Wyoming was stunned to bite into a freshly made cheese and mushroom omelette, only to be sucked into an alternative dimension via a black hole.

Government Officials and experts are trying to decide on the best course of action to rescue Mrs Granville Phipps of Sheridan, Wyoming who was the unwitting victim of the unusual cooking accident.

The black hole was revealed between slightly uncooked egg and a mushroom at 7:54am this morning.

Her startled husband, Randolph, could only watch in terror as his wife was sucked into the omelette, before disappearing in a matter of seconds.

A pepper pot and one cup of decaffeinated coffee were knocked off the kitchen table and believed to be destroyed during the incident.

Mr Phipps commented:
"I was tucking into my mongoose bagel, when suddenly Granville shrieked. She disappeared into the omelette - without a trace. There was just a swirling black madness where there was once my Granville".
Scientist are due to embark on tests in the Phipps' kitchen later today.

It isn't know as yet whether the black hole remains in the kitchen, although they have issued a statement to reassure local residents that there isn't any chance of the entire universe being sucked through Mrs Phipps' omelette.
Local residents are planning a whip-round to replace the broken coffee mug,

Squirrel World News will keep you informed of this omelette related mystery as we learn more.

Thursday, 10 January 2008

The Search for the Golden X

The world famous Bolivian explorer, Georgio D Anchovy, has revelaed his new quest at a crowded news conference held in a phone box in a New York street.
Anchovy, who was the first man to successfully find Noah's Ark intact in Hungary, states that his new quest will take him all the way around the globe in search of the legendary Golden X.
His ship, The Bagel Cheese Helmet, and crew are readying themselves to set sail from Krakow in Poland at any given time.

The mighty ship Bagel Cheese Helmet,
resting in a Romanian forest
one Thursday in the autumn of 1978





The Golden X is said to be made from purest golden oranges, which have been weaved together using platinum and diamond encrusted toe nail clippers.
The Golden X was believed to have been taken to Spain by cotton traders of the 17th century from the Panama region.
Its origins are mysterious and some claim that the object fell to Earth from space.
Others follow the theory that the Golden X was guilded by monkeys in the jungles of Cyprus.
From Spain the Golden X was paraded throughout continental Europe before King Hazelnut IV of Pomonia was thought to have won the Golden X in a duel over his 129th wife Francesca De Sock.
It is from here that the location of the legendary Golden X becomes a bit blurred.
Hazelnut IV moved to Africa in the mid 1600's, yet records show he died at a carrot waving festival held in what is now Moldova in 1672.

If Anchovy finds the Golden X, he has stated he will donate a whole sock biscuit to David Duchovny.

Thursday, 3 January 2008

Mast Unveiled on Everest


Engineers today unveiled a 400 foot telecommunications mast they have erected at the summit of Mount Everest.

T-Mobile today stated that the mast will enable them to provide adequate services to both their customers in Armenia and Georgia.

Although it was rumoured Kakhbar Mongoosviladze had moved from his home in Tblisi, Georgia, to a new home in Kobe, Japan.

T-Mobile were hopeful that Shozan McLardian will remain in Armenia.

A spokesman for T-Mobile stated "Today is a great day for our Georgian and Armenian customers. Constructing the Everest mast is our way of giving the people what they want. Which is really, really, really good."

Mountaineers are now planning new climbs to the summit of Everest, in which the additional 400 feet is being viewed as "an exceptional fresh challenge" - as commented Christophe O'Hara Johanssen of the Santiago climbing club, Cyprus.

T-Mobile are however refusing to comment on claims by Hungarian News that 2,837 technical, engineering and cleaning staff and 38 geese, 2 cats and a kangaroo died whilst building the mast.

Wednesday, 2 January 2008

Jim Carrey Shaped Balloon Flattens Coimbra

Portugal was put on a state of alert tonight, as it has been reported that central city Coimbra has been completely devestated when a giant Jim Carrey shaped balloon landed upon it.

Early reports suggest that there were no survivors.

The origin of the balloon is unknown, but is believed to be still at large.

A United Nations peace-keeping force has been designated to the region to aid the clear up operation.

Air Forces of Central Europe have been put on standby, in case the balloon attacks again.

Satellites are tracking the movement of the balloon, which is thought to be cruising several thousand feet above Portugal at present.

President Bush has offered his support to the people of Portugal, but Gordon Brown was unavailable to comment as he is currently on the toilet.

The last known balloon city flattening incident occurred late in 1978, when a giant balloon shaped like Noel Edmonds squashed the Polish city of Katowice injuring 14 people.



An evil balloon shaped like Johnny Vegas
carries off a hapless child during an attack
on Nuneaton in 1583

Ed Balls Found!


Labour MP Ed Balls, who went missing in 1987 during an expedition to climb a hill in Bari, has been found alive and well living in a tent in Slovakia.

Speaking on behalf of MP Balls, Duncan Bannatyne commented "We are all relieved that Ed has been found. We all feared the worst for him. His family are especially pleased and are arranging for his return to the UK as soon as possible."

The familly of MP Balls were unavailable to comment, but we believe they were on business in Honduras at the time of Ed Balls' reappearance.

His colleagues in the Labour Party were said to be "over the moon" at the news, but will be releasing an official statement as soon as Gordon Brown has returned from the lavatory.

He has been there for the last four days.