Mast Unveiled on Everest

Engineers today unveiled a 400 foot telecommunications mast they have erected at the summit of Mount Everest.

T-Mobile today stated that the mast will enable them to provide adequate services to both their customers in Armenia and Georgia.

Although it was rumoured Kakhbar Mongoosviladze had moved from his home in Tblisi, Georgia, to a new home in Kobe, Japan.

T-Mobile were hopeful that Shozan McLardian will remain in Armenia.

A spokesman for T-Mobile stated "Today is a great day for our Georgian and Armenian customers. Constructing the Everest mast is our way of giving the people what they want. Which is really, really, really good."

Mountaineers are now planning new climbs to the summit of Everest, in which the additional 400 feet is being viewed as "an exceptional fresh challenge" - as commented Christophe O'Hara Johanssen of the Santiago climbing club, Cyprus.

T-Mobile are however refusing to comment on claims by Hungarian News that 2,837 technical, engineering and cleaning staff and 38 geese, 2 cats and a kangaroo died whilst building the mast.

"I am a Cauliflower" Claims Cameron

David Cameron today shocked members of an over 55's crown green bowling club, by rolling around on the ground and shouting "I am cauliflower" to all and sundry.
Cameron, who celebrated his 912th birthday today, has only just taken over the patronage of the Chesterfield over 55's crown green bowling club as part of his birthday celebrations.

Members were stunned by Cameron's antics and eventually they were forced to have Cameron removed by the East Kilbride formation dancing and aerobics team.
"It was a disgrace" commented Reginald Takamoto McTeeth "I've been a member for 23 minutes but have never seen such a nuisance in all my time here. He should be flogged at dawn. Then shot. Then eaten by squirrels. And cut in half. And bopped on the head repeatedly with a large herring."

The club secretary, Archibald Leopold Benitez Aguilera whom has been a member for 156 centuries, stated "The club has been forced to ban cauliflower impersonators from its premises from this day forth. As for Mr David Cameron, his membership has been revoked and to be quite frank he is regarded as a bit of a nitwit around Chesterfield. On a personal note, I'd like to point out that I think Mr Cameron makes for a pathetic cauliflower but for a great twat."
Cameron was available for comment, but he was insistent on wearing leaves and telling us he was a cauliflower at high volume.
Therefore we declined his interview.

Members of the 1996 Crystal Palace football team however have taken Cameron under their wing.
Current reports state that Cameron is making fine progress under the watchful eye of Mark Bright and Geoff Thomas.
Only time will tell whether there is any hope of redemption for this estranged Dave.

A cauliflower pretending to be Simon Cowell,

taken at the international festival of vegetable

celebrity impersonators, Hong Kong 1967

Jim Carrey Shaped Balloon Flattens Coimbra

Portugal was put on a state of alert tonight, as it has been reported that central city Coimbra has been completely devestated when a giant Jim Carrey shaped balloon landed upon it.

Early reports suggest that there were no survivors.

The origin of the balloon is unknown, but is believed to be still at large.

A United Nations peace-keeping force has been designated to the region to aid the clear up operation.

Air Forces of Central Europe have been put on standby, in case the balloon attacks again.

Satellites are tracking the movement of the balloon, which is thought to be cruising several thousand feet above Portugal at present.

President Bush has offered his support to the people of Portugal, but Gordon Brown was unavailable to comment as he is currently on the toilet.

The last known balloon city flattening incident occurred late in 1978, when a giant balloon shaped like Noel Edmonds squashed the Polish city of Katowice injuring 14 people.

An evil balloon shaped like Johnny Vegas
carries off a hapless child during an attack
on Nuneaton in 1583

Ed Balls Found!

Labour MP Ed Balls, who went missing in 1987 during an expedition to climb a hill in Bari, has been found alive and well living in a tent in Slovakia.

Speaking on behalf of MP Balls, Duncan Bannatyne commented "We are all relieved that Ed has been found. We all feared the worst for him. His family are especially pleased and are arranging for his return to the UK as soon as possible."

The familly of MP Balls were unavailable to comment, but we believe they were on business in Honduras at the time of Ed Balls' reappearance.

His colleagues in the Labour Party were said to be "over the moon" at the news, but will be releasing an official statement as soon as Gordon Brown has returned from the lavatory.

He has been there for the last four days.

Honda's Cheesy Jeep is Unleashed

Technology boffins in Tokyo are wetting themselves with excitement after Honda launched their innovative new Q series jeep - made entirely out of cheese.
Boasting special features such as wedges of Edam for pedals, and a dashboard constructed from Parmesan, the jeep is retailing at $10,273 to the luxury edition at $19,267 which comes with extra Gorgonzola and Brie.
Crackers and pickle are available as an optional extra on all models.
Yoto Sakabungo of Honda's Gourmet Division commented: "The launch of this jeep heralds a new exciting era and combines people's inherent love of motoring and cheese to give one an ultimate driving experience."
The real innovation is the jeep's transmission and gearbox system, which utilises Roquefort technology with the traditional French Roule.
The vehicle is set to be launched into the European and American markets in late April 2008.

Some cheese pictured Novtember 1857

by Richard Clayderman

Happy New Year!

FROM ALL AT THE SQUIRREL WORLD NEWS TEAM!!

Sock Workers Strike

The sock industry is today bracing itself as plans of a general sock workers strike have come to light.
Analysts fear that the world's largest manufacturer of socks, Sony Eriksson, will be the worst affected.

Sony Eriksson's sock manufacturing wing employs some 18 people - 11 people based at their UK operation in Runcorn, Cheshire alone.

Turnover for sock production for Sony Eriksson is estimated at $154billion per annum, based on 2004 figures which were quoted as 12.036 Euros.

A sock worker, last week
UniSock, the sock industry union leader, have stated on their website:

"The leading employers in the sock industry have been overstepping common decency - in terms of pay and conditions - for far too long. In 2006 the top 3 sock manufacturers made an estimated worldwide profit of $379billion. The top earning executive earns $182 per year, whereas the committed and loyal factory workers are taking home a mere £87,362.00 per annum on average. We are outraged, as it is far too low an average".

Squirrel World News will keep readers updated of the latest news on this worrying and potentially disastrous strike as it happens.

Toe Drummer Quits Band Horror!

Legendary folk/metal/Gregorian chanting/ragga/jazz/happy hardcore band Toe, officially listed as "The 2nd Most Awesome Band on the Planet" by What's Awesome magazine, announced on their website the departure of their Scottish drummer and founding member Jose Julio Ramirez Capucho Fernandez.

Fernandez' skill on the drumkit enabled Toe to produce many of their trademark time signature changing rhythms, and the band even turned to Fernandez for lead vocal duties on their seminal 1996 masterpiece "There was a Bowl on a Hill That I Forgot to Mention".

Although Fernandez isn't officially dead, fans of Toe are said to be planning to carry a coffin of their former favourite to each of Toe's yet to be announced forthcoming European tour, which is likely to take in Fernandez' hometown of Vilnius.

A spokesman for Toe was not available to comment, as they were all still in bed following a hard night's partying and studying cabbages at a barn near Haslemere.