Lord Lucan found in Manchester City trophy room

Suspected killer and ice-cream fondler, Lord Lucan, has been found alive and well in Premiership club, Manchester City's trophy room.

The room which has not been used since the early seventies, was opened to let the stench of mediocrity escape, when the discovery was made."It was him alright..." said Michael Jackson, who was there on a week long trial as a corner flag, "I instantly recognised his face and his hair ......and his lovely soft hands...and his pert little bottom", added the ghostly white freak.

Club officials immediately phoned the local takeaway for some pizza and then held a meeting in a nearby mortuary (players lounge), to discuss what to do next."We have decided to give Lord Lucan the chance to give himself up to the authorities...or we will be forced to give him a place in our upcoming midweek match", said the club tea-lady.

When asked about the situation, club manager Sven Goran Erikson would only say "He's a good lad, an' were 100% behind him...he just needs to show the commitment that I, and everyone else, expect from a former killer, who wants to make it in the world of mid-table football."

Geovanni celebrates scoring

Kurt Cobain Found Dead.... Again

Legendary Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain, who died in March of 1994 has been mysteriously found dead again.

His body was found inside a tin of Heinz Spaghetti Hoops in a Sainsbury's store in Milton Keynes.

He was discovered by Real Madrid star Gabriel Heinze, who was showing his friends the collection of food he believed was named after him.

Julian Clary has been questioned by police for an unrelated incident.

Stamp Collector Discovers New Planet In Loft.

A French-born, half-Japanese, Half-Swiss cheese stamp collector, has amazed his pet goldfish by finding a planet in his loft.

Fred Loopeh, was in his loft trying to quieten the herd of zebra that he keeps, when he made the discovery. Scientist have been unable to to explain why the planet is hiding, but have speculated that intense gravity of the zebras is causing lights to flicker in Zimbabwe.

NASA, has yet to contact Mr Loopeh, because no-one will tell them his phone number, however Mr Loopeh intends to take the planet for regular walks and is planning a galactic party in a nearby phone booth to celebrate.

The Bookmaker Bet Fred has Stopped Taking Bets

Due to a flurry of feverish betting activity relating to crisps, pickled eggs, sausages etc, the bookmaker Bet Fred is to stop taking bets over the counter for food-related bets.
A spokesman for Bet Fred has said "The demand on the staff has been unbelievable.
Some haven't been for lunch for days..."

The bookmaker Bet Fred has stopped taking bets on Crunchy Otter in Plasticine Sauce for what the employees of Bet Fred were most likely to have for lunch.
The current betting:
Crunchy Otter in Plasticine Sauce 14-8042 Fav, Garden Gnomes 4-1, A Small Hotel 6-1, Pete Waterman 6-1, Asbestos Cake 10-1,The Complete Emmerdale DVD Box Set 25-1, Mongoose
28.6-1

New National Retirement Age Set to 402

Under proposed government guidelines, the home secretary is set to announce that the official retirement age for men and women living in the UK is to be increased to 402, by the year 1985.
This followed the disastrous policy of the retirement age being set to 12 years of age for women and 5 years of age for men.

Allied to the rise in Teletubby culture in our inner cities, the government have been forced into a re-think.
A spokesman for the Department of Work and Pensions had this to say.
"You are bothering me on my lunch break. How dare you! Please point that camera somewhere else! No! Not at my bottom! AAAAHHHH!!"

The bookmaker Bet Fred has stopped taking bets on House Brick for what the DWP spokesman was having for lunch.
The current betting:
House Brick 20-904 Fav, Trousers (Evens), James Blunt 5-1, Pro$titute 5-1, Cadbury's Creme Leg 8-1, Poo on a Stick 15-1,Findus Crispy Pancake 15-1, Asparagus with Toads 20-1

A 402 year old guy

pictured last Wednesday

in Chesterfield

Cardiff to Host Bi-Annual Paperclip Racing Event

The legendary bi-annual Paperclip Formula One event is to be staged this summer at the Millenium Stadium.
In 2004, seventy-two people flocked to see the event in the 100,000 seater Maracana Stadium in Rio, Brazil.

The world paperclip racing champion, Umberto Flogolololovti of Peru, is planning to go for a record 17th championship this time around.
Speaking through an intepreter pigeon, Flogolololovti insists that his presence there is to maintain his extraordinary record.
"My first win was in 1974. I was 4 months old. Which is the same age as my poodle. I like to stroke sheep."

The bookmaker Bet Fred has stopped taking bets on Farquhar being the name of the interpretor pigeon.
The latest betting:
Farquhar 14-9358 Fav, Trevor 3-1, Dave 6-1, Parrot 6-1, Antonio Banderas's Pants 10-1, Puke 10-1, Nigel Mansell 10-1, Cucumber 15-1Sausage Beans and Mash 18-1, Giuseppe 20-1, 10110110101 50-1

Giant Fluffy Bear Terrorises Pub Regulars

The Crown & Cheesegrater pub in Wycombe was closed as an emergency situation arose in the most unusual circumstances.

A 12ft Arctic polar bear came into the lounge bar and seemingly made the decision to eat a barmaid, after she refused to serve the bear a pint of the award-winning Wadsworth's Bagel Armpit pale ale.

Regulars in the pub were seen to be "running around screaming like a load of big girls in frilly dresses", as observed by the landlord Damian Sockbridge.

The landlord rectified the situation by appealing for the bear to remain calm, and offered the bear an alternative tipple.

The bear ripped off the landlords right hand and hit a customer repeatedly with the wet end.

One frightened customer left without even eating a just purchased bag of hula-hoops.

The bear made the following statement to the National Association for English Polar Bears:

"Grrrlllloooooorrrrrgggghhhhhh oooooaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhh. Yep."

The bookmaker Bet Fred has stopped taking bets on Djimi Traore for the flavour of hula-hoops that were left behind in the fracas.

The current betting:

Djimi Traore 11-589.4 Fav, Sweet Radish 4-2, Banana & Otter 5-1,Kidney Cider & Kneepads 7-1, Salt & Westlife 8-1,Wet Shoelaces 10-1, Fireman Sam 77-3, The Colour Green 219-1

The Rolling Stones to Tour Asda

Following on from their 6,258 date Starbuck's World Tour, The Rolling Stones have revealed that they are set to embark on a 552 date UK Asda tour.
The opening night is in Llandudno on April 27th.
The band will be promoting their new album "Aisle of Frozen Peas".

A spokesman for Asda said:
"We really wanted 50 Cent, but he refused to do it as he's more of a Tesco man and was busy rehearsing his part for Shakespeare's Hamlet. We settled for the Stones though, as the Beatles were largely unavailable."

The bookmaker Bet Fred has stopped taking bets on Kettering for which town the Stones will clear out the Asda stocks of pickled eggs.

The latest odds:Kettering 14-643 Fav, Warwick 3-1, Leyland 4-1, Stockport 4-1, Shrewsbury 6-1, Warrington 9-1, New York 9-1, Barcelona 11-4, Northampton 12-1, Tony Blair 13-5, Cambridge 125-1



The Rolling Stones pictured earlier this week
during a bicycle exhibition in Aberdeen