Saturday 5 July 2008

Becker: "I once ate a shoe"

Former tennis star, Boris Becker, has today admitted that he once ate a shoe shaped like Abraham Lincoln on a Thursday which he had mistaken for a cake.
The admission came at an event where Boris was booked as the after-dinner speaker.
Many guests walked out when the story was told.

The £3,948.26 per head event had caused some controversy, as it had been planned to take place underwater.
But the Thames Committee had turned down the event application.
London Mayor Boris Johnson felt this was a little harsh, but later admitted he was too busy trying to figure out how to use his toaster to care.

Meanwhile Becker has vowed to continue with his after-dinner spokesman career.





Boris Becker, yesterday.

Giant Hedgehog Eats Milton Keynes


It can be confirmed that Milton Keynes has been eaten by a giant hedgehog.
The incident happened just after 2.30pm and was apparently an unprovoked attack.

A UN peacekeeping force have been deployed and are currently preparing for a counter attack, which SWN believes will be carried out from near Luton.

The hedgehog is currently believed to be sleeping off a massive meal of Southern folk and various buildings.
It had saved many vehicles for dessert.

We can confirm many people had been tried to run for it, but had been impaled on hedgehog spikes.

The Prime Minister Gordon Brown was unavailable for comment, but a spokesman for the PM had hinted that Mr Brown was feeling "quite agitated".

Wednesday 6 February 2008

Justin Hawkins Signs Deal With Norwich City

It has just been brought to Squirrel Sports News attention that the former frontman of one of the worst bands ever formed, Justin Hawkins of The Darkness - now thankfully defunct, has signed a contract with English Championship strugglers Norwich City.

It is believed Hawkins only accepted the $23.48 per annum contract on the basis he gets to design all the home, away and pointless kits for the next four seasons.

A spokesman for Norwich City confirmed that the Hawkins is in fact a Norwich City player, and could make his debut at the weekend.
"With Darren Huckerby making sounds about leaving Carrow Road, it was important that we looked for new forward talent as soon as possible. Justin fits the bill. He's under 55 and unattached and also has a fine eye for fashion. We hope Justin will make our kits the best the world has ever seen. We have talked about his music career, but got bored after 39 seconds. He's not planning a comeback, Hallelujah."

Norwich City wouldn't however confirm rumours that they were also to bolster their midfield with the triple-signing of Bryan Adams, Norah Jones and Tom Araya (of Slayer fame).

Exciting times at Norwich City!

Here Hawkins can be seen wearing what we believe is to be Norwich City's new home strip for the 2008/2009 season.

Fighting Penguins Disrupt Antwerp

A killer pigeon prepares to attack in Antwerp, earlier today
Residents of the Belgian city Antwerp have been trapped in doors fearing for their safe being, in face of a spate of incidents involving violent pigeons.
The pigeons started causing havoc late last night, turning over parked cars and eating a pet cat.
The cat's owner is too upset to talk at present.

Local police have recorded reports of over twenty incidents where members of the public were attacked by several penguins at once, whilst walking the streets.
Some eye witness accounts reveal that the penguins were actually fighting amongst themselves before turning the focus of their attacks on people.

One man in his early thirties suffered a broken leg, a broken wrist and had his head completely removed then put back on upside-down.
We believe he is making steady progress in hospital.

One woman wasn't so fortunate.
She was taken to Luxembourg.

Scientists in the Beveren region are trying to come to a conclusion on to why the attacks are occurring with such alarming frequency.
However, at this stage they haven't yet made it out of a local bar; but we will have details as they come.
In the meantime, pigeon combat experts have warned local residents not to leave their homes unless it is absolutely necessary.
A local brewer is planning to call on the services of Jean Claude Van Damne who has recently setup a pigeon extermination company, based in Azerbaijan.
Despite being incredibly lame, Van Damne is still amazingly popular in his native Belgium.

Tuesday 5 February 2008

Toe's New Drummer Poll Closed!


The Poll to decide who should be the new drummer of the world's 2nd greatest band, Toe, has now closed.

Thanks to all for taking part.

It was decided with a whopping 55% of the votes that HMS Victory should be the new drummer.

2nd place went to Jennifer Aniston with 30% of the voting.

Look out for an update on the Toe drummer situation soon!




Graeme Le Saux Found Drinking in a Pub Shocker!

Graeme Le Saux, the ex-footballer and current winner of BBC27's "Celebrity I've Got A Limp Wrist and Listen to Erasure", was spotted drinking in a pub in Northampton today.
Allegedly he was drinking lager, however this cannot be confirmed.
One punter suspected that Le Saux was actually drinking his own urine.

The landlord asked Squirrel World News not to name him or the pub, for fear of anti Le Saux vandalism attacks on his public house.
The landlord was surprised to see Le Saux there however:
"I couldn't believe it when he walked in! I could've cried! In fact - I did. Twice. What the f are you doing here? I asked him. But he replied in a voice so gay, I had to run upstairs to be sick."






Graeme Le Saux in a pub having a drink earlier today

Monday 4 February 2008

Charlie Dimmock Leads Presidential Elections


Recent polls indicate that TV gardener, Charlie Dimmock, is the leading candidate in the elections for the Presidential vacancy of the Bath and Avon Over 50's Bingo club.
The previous President, Chuck Norris, stood down last week following controversy over the standard of knitwear he was wearing.
Many members thought that Norris was not wearing knitwear of the required standard that would befit their club president.
Although angry at the allegations made, Norris maintains he has no plan to exterminate any members.
It is predicted that Dimmock currently has a 86.93% majority over her nearest rival - Ron Atkinson.
Current Vice-President, Gareth Gates, is thought to be the least popular of the current crop of candidates, but is said to be "preparing to do battle" to gain the initiative in the battle for the top job.
When Gates says he is going to do battle, this is usually a cue for people to plug their ears.

Monday 21 January 2008

David Hasselhoff To Remake Bourne Series

The world's most awesome Dave, David Hasselhoff, has announced plans by 17th Century Fox Studios to remake the Bourne series of films - The Bourne Identity, The Bourne Lunacy and The Bourne Ville The Chocolate Manufacturer.
Hasselhoff, aged 79, is believed to be "over the moon" by the prospect and is planning plastic surgery to make himself look like a fridge freezer left on a building site in 1978.

17th Century Fox said that the movies will be filmed at the same time, and should be on general release by next Wednesday.