Giant Bats Eat Paris Hilton

Police in Macedonia, were today investigating claims from a Skopje baker that a swarm of giant bats had eaten infamous media tart Paris Hilton.

The baker, whom wants to remain anonymous, has apparently stated that at 9.30pm last night Paris Hilton was walking her pet cheese grater around Skopje Park when approximately 26 giant bats attacked Hilton and ate her as she ran away - along with her pet cheese grater.
The name of the cheese grater is as yet unknown, although we will announce a "Name The Cheese Grater" competition in due course.

A spokesman for the Hilton family said "As far as we know there is nothing to substantiate these claims by the Skopje baker. We can confirm that Paris has been in Macedonia, as she wanted to learn about what life was like in the 18th Century."

Here at Squirrel World News we were insulted by the Hilton statement, and are hoping that Paris has indeed been eaten by giant bats.

A cheese grater

frollocking in Skopje Park

in the winter of 1925

probably around tea time

Coffee Table Cup - 1st Round Preview

The first round of the Coffee Table Cup kicks off today with all 10 participating teams hoping to make it to the 2nd round where there will be tea cakes for everyone.

Last years winners FC Fabregas have been made 6-L favorites to win the competition again but have oddly also been made 9-@ favorites to be knocked out of the first round by FC Copenhagen.

All games kick off at 15:00 unless stated otherwise

FC Fabregas v FC Copenhagen (17:15)
Norwich City v Azerbaicheese (17:15)
Chelsea v Ronan Keating (18:00)
Nirvana v Foo Fighters (18:00) (MTV2)
Tesco v Asda (20:00)

Kevin Keegan "I want to play again"

The footballing world was in hysterics last night after ex Newcastle, England and Manchester City manager, Kevin Keegan expressed his desire to return to football after hearing that his first club Scunthorpe United were looking for a new striker.

Tiger Woods has welcomed the news and told Squirrel World Sports "it's amazing news to hear that Kevin Keegan could once again be playing football, he is the reason i took up golf in the first place. his pasty white skin and shocking hair is what inspired me to be an almost bald black man"

After 45 minutes of solid laughter, Scunthorpe United manager, Nigel Adkins, asked us to leave his office when we asked him what the possibilities of a Kevin Keegan return to Glanford Park actually were.

Alien Invasion Device Found in Bergamo

This amazing apparition was sited in Bergamo and is thought to be part of an alien plot to take over parts of Chile. Potato growers of East Lithuania have also been alerted to the possibility of invasion.

Unusual behaviour has been reported near to the site. Several donkeys were seen to be headbanging uncontrollably near the device and Bruce Springsteen was seen to nail a salmon to his left elbow.

Scientists fear that Sean Connery may be connected to the mysterious appearance, in some sort of exchange deal with the people of Neptune (see earlier Breaking News).

The general public have been told by government officials not panic and definitely not to speak to small rocks, especially small rocks that sneeze at the mention of beetroot or flagpoles.

King Kong Donates Kidney

The world's most awesome monkey, King Kong, has kindly donated a kidney to a Dutch Elm which was replanted in a park in New Zealand in 1968.

The tree, only known to SWN as "Keith", was believed to be overjoyed to add King Kong's kidney to its collection of assorted donated kidneys.

Keith has revealed he is a keen collector of celebrity kidneys, and has several others in his collection - including:

Paris Hilton, Mark King, Des Lynam, Boris Gorbachev, Kerry Katona (twice).

Keith also owns one of Mick Jagger's feet - believed to be his left foot - and also Enrique Iglesias' right nipple.

Keith, pictured at his former home in Sofia in 1854.

Arrest Made in Great Spoon Theft Case

Investigators today stumbled upon incriminating evidence in the Great Spoon Theft case, which had been closed 6 years ago after all leads appeared to go cold.

In Novtember 1990, a case containing the 7 Silver Spoons of Asdazonian IV were stolen despite top level security being present.

The case was closed in 2001 after detectives world-wide, including Belgium, were unable to ascertain the identity of the master criminal.

Yesterday, on a routine stop at a Nuneaton Little Chef, Officer Simpson noted that one of the diners was using a non-standard Little Chef spoon.

HQ confirmed the diner was to be apprehended.

The suspect put up stiff resistance, but was eventually taken into custody.

Police are keeping the identity of the perpetrator secret, but rumours are that the master criminal is no other than Madonna - who was thought to have given up on a life of crime after spending 12 minutes in a local Glasgow station.

Bookmakers have stopped taking bets on Madonna, but are still accepting bets on Graham Norton, Paula Abdul and Steve McManaman.

Shoe Factory Eaten by Zombies

A well established shoe factory in Adelaide was today eaten by a horde of scantily clad zombies.

Terrified factory staff evacuated as soon as the zombies were sighted, fearing for their lives.

One worker commented "We saw the zombies slauntering towards us ... we just panicked ... it was an awesome sight though".

The zombies ignored the fleeing factory operatives and began immediately devouring the stockpile of high fashion shoes and trainers stored at the site.

Bosses are bracing themselves for a loss of earnings of up to $17.36(Aus).

After consuming the last remaining shoe, the zombies departed - brushing past security with an alarming nonchalance.

Some zombies yesterday...

Sean Connery Found Drunk on Neptune

NASA today confirmed that scientists processing the latest Hubble Space Telescope dataset, have noted images of what appeared to be an inebriated Sean Connery on the planet Neptune.

At this moment NASA cannot confirm how the Scottish actor has found his way to Neptune, as they have confirmed with all Space Agencies that no scheduled flights to Neptune were planned.

Friends of Mr Connery have stated that their last contact with him was on 28th December at a party thrown by David Gest.

A spokesman for David Gest has commented "The party seemed to wind down at around 10.30pm - it wasn't a particularly crazy affair - Mr Connery was speaking on a cell phone to Stephen Spielberg and then took a call from Alan Hansen before saying his goodnights."

NASA are thought to be planning a manned mission to Neptune, to ensure Mr Connery is ok.

The rumour mill have hinted that a crew containing Oprah Winfrey, Chesney Hawkes, Peter Gabriel and Diego Maradona are currently in intensive training ahead of launch.