David Hasselhoff To Remake Bourne Series

The world's most awesome Dave, David Hasselhoff, has announced plans by 17th Century Fox Studios to remake the Bourne series of films - The Bourne Identity, The Bourne Lunacy and The Bourne Ville The Chocolate Manufacturer.

Hasselhoff, aged 79, is believed to be "over the moon" by the prospect and is planning plastic surgery to make himself look like a fridge freezer left on a building site in 1978.

17th Century Fox said that the movies will be filmed at the same time, and should be on general release by next Wednesday.

Lord Lucan found in Manchester City trophy room

Suspected killer and ice-cream fondler, Lord Lucan, has been found alive and well in Premiership club, Manchester City's trophy room.

The room which has not been used since the early seventies, was opened to let the stench of mediocrity escape, when the discovery was made."It was him alright..." said Michael Jackson, who was there on a week long trial as a corner flag, "I instantly recognised his face and his hair ......and his lovely soft hands...and his pert little bottom", added the ghostly white freak.

Club officials immediately phoned the local takeaway for some pizza and then held a meeting in a nearby mortuary (players lounge), to discuss what to do next."We have decided to give Lord Lucan the chance to give himself up to the authorities...or we will be forced to give him a place in our upcoming midweek match", said the club tea-lady.

When asked about the situation, club manager Sven Goran Erikson would only say "He's a good lad, an' were 100% behind him...he just needs to show the commitment that I, and everyone else, expect from a former killer, who wants to make it in the world of mid-table football."

Geovanni celebrates scoring

Kurt Cobain Found Dead.... Again

Legendary Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain, who died in March of 1994 has been mysteriously found dead again.

His body was found inside a tin of Heinz Spaghetti Hoops in a Sainsbury's store in Milton Keynes.

He was discovered by Real Madrid star Gabriel Heinze, who was showing his friends the collection of food he believed was named after him.

Julian Clary has been questioned by police for an unrelated incident.

Stamp Collector Discovers New Planet In Loft.

A French-born, half-Japanese, Half-Swiss cheese stamp collector, has amazed his pet goldfish by finding a planet in his loft.

Fred Loopeh, was in his loft trying to quieten the herd of zebra that he keeps, when he made the discovery. Scientist have been unable to to explain why the planet is hiding, but have speculated that intense gravity of the zebras is causing lights to flicker in Zimbabwe.

NASA, has yet to contact Mr Loopeh, because no-one will tell them his phone number, however Mr Loopeh intends to take the planet for regular walks and is planning a galactic party in a nearby phone booth to celebrate.

The Bookmaker Bet Fred has Stopped Taking Bets

Due to a flurry of feverish betting activity relating to crisps, pickled eggs, sausages etc, the bookmaker Bet Fred is to stop taking bets over the counter for food-related bets.
A spokesman for Bet Fred has said "The demand on the staff has been unbelievable.
Some haven't been for lunch for days..."

The bookmaker Bet Fred has stopped taking bets on Crunchy Otter in Plasticine Sauce for what the employees of Bet Fred were most likely to have for lunch.
The current betting:
Crunchy Otter in Plasticine Sauce 14-8042 Fav, Garden Gnomes 4-1, A Small Hotel 6-1, Pete Waterman 6-1, Asbestos Cake 10-1,The Complete Emmerdale DVD Box Set 25-1, Mongoose
28.6-1

New National Retirement Age Set to 402

Under proposed government guidelines, the home secretary is set to announce that the official retirement age for men and women living in the UK is to be increased to 402, by the year 1985.
This followed the disastrous policy of the retirement age being set to 12 years of age for women and 5 years of age for men.

Allied to the rise in Teletubby culture in our inner cities, the government have been forced into a re-think.
A spokesman for the Department of Work and Pensions had this to say.
"You are bothering me on my lunch break. How dare you! Please point that camera somewhere else! No! Not at my bottom! AAAAHHHH!!"

The bookmaker Bet Fred has stopped taking bets on House Brick for what the DWP spokesman was having for lunch.
The current betting:
House Brick 20-904 Fav, Trousers (Evens), James Blunt 5-1, Pro$titute 5-1, Cadbury's Creme Leg 8-1, Poo on a Stick 15-1,Findus Crispy Pancake 15-1, Asparagus with Toads 20-1

A 402 year old guy

pictured last Wednesday

in Chesterfield

Cardiff to Host Bi-Annual Paperclip Racing Event

The legendary bi-annual Paperclip Formula One event is to be staged this summer at the Millenium Stadium.
In 2004, seventy-two people flocked to see the event in the 100,000 seater Maracana Stadium in Rio, Brazil.

The world paperclip racing champion, Umberto Flogolololovti of Peru, is planning to go for a record 17th championship this time around.
Speaking through an intepreter pigeon, Flogolololovti insists that his presence there is to maintain his extraordinary record.
"My first win was in 1974. I was 4 months old. Which is the same age as my poodle. I like to stroke sheep."

The bookmaker Bet Fred has stopped taking bets on Farquhar being the name of the interpretor pigeon.
The latest betting:
Farquhar 14-9358 Fav, Trevor 3-1, Dave 6-1, Parrot 6-1, Antonio Banderas's Pants 10-1, Puke 10-1, Nigel Mansell 10-1, Cucumber 15-1Sausage Beans and Mash 18-1, Giuseppe 20-1, 10110110101 50-1

Giant Fluffy Bear Terrorises Pub Regulars

The Crown & Cheesegrater pub in Wycombe was closed as an emergency situation arose in the most unusual circumstances.

A 12ft Arctic polar bear came into the lounge bar and seemingly made the decision to eat a barmaid, after she refused to serve the bear a pint of the award-winning Wadsworth's Bagel Armpit pale ale.

Regulars in the pub were seen to be "running around screaming like a load of big girls in frilly dresses", as observed by the landlord Damian Sockbridge.

The landlord rectified the situation by appealing for the bear to remain calm, and offered the bear an alternative tipple.

The bear ripped off the landlords right hand and hit a customer repeatedly with the wet end.

One frightened customer left without even eating a just purchased bag of hula-hoops.

The bear made the following statement to the National Association for English Polar Bears:

"Grrrlllloooooorrrrrgggghhhhhh oooooaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhh. Yep."

The bookmaker Bet Fred has stopped taking bets on Djimi Traore for the flavour of hula-hoops that were left behind in the fracas.

The current betting:

Djimi Traore 11-589.4 Fav, Sweet Radish 4-2, Banana & Otter 5-1,Kidney Cider & Kneepads 7-1, Salt & Westlife 8-1,Wet Shoelaces 10-1, Fireman Sam 77-3, The Colour Green 219-1

The Rolling Stones to Tour Asda

Following on from their 6,258 date Starbuck's World Tour, The Rolling Stones have revealed that they are set to embark on a 552 date UK Asda tour.
The opening night is in Llandudno on April 27th.
The band will be promoting their new album "Aisle of Frozen Peas".

A spokesman for Asda said:
"We really wanted 50 Cent, but he refused to do it as he's more of a Tesco man and was busy rehearsing his part for Shakespeare's Hamlet. We settled for the Stones though, as the Beatles were largely unavailable."

The bookmaker Bet Fred has stopped taking bets on Kettering for which town the Stones will clear out the Asda stocks of pickled eggs.

The latest odds:Kettering 14-643 Fav, Warwick 3-1, Leyland 4-1, Stockport 4-1, Shrewsbury 6-1, Warrington 9-1, New York 9-1, Barcelona 11-4, Northampton 12-1, Tony Blair 13-5, Cambridge 125-1



The Rolling Stones pictured earlier this week
during a bicycle exhibition in Aberdeen

Sausages Found on Mars

The latest automated probe launched by NASA, Toilet 2, safely crash-landed on Mars on Friday night and has been busy collating vast quantities of raw data from the Martian surface since.

It can been revealed that the Toilet 2's prime objective is to seek out intelligent life and maybe find evidence of toilet facilities.

Amazingly, NASA scientists analysing the raw data sent back from the Toilet 2 probe have discovered sausages in a canyon of Mars.

Scientists are trying to amplify Toilet 2's recognitive equipment, in an attempt to identify what the sausages are made out of.

The bookmaker Bet Fred has already stopped taking bets on Pork and Beef for the flavour of the Martian sausages.

Latest odds: Pork & Beef 11-258 Fav, Pork 3-1, Beef 4-1,Mongoose 4-1, Cheese Cabbage & Dalmation 7-1, Koala 10-1, Toes Parrots Lemons and Hair 10-1, Gareth Gates 25-1, Western Samoa 25-1, A4 Notepad & Ruler 25-1, Private Pile 50-1

Newcastle Sack Keegan

BREAKING NEWS!!

Kevin Keegan has been sensationally sacked as manager of Newcastle after less than 2 days in charge.

Although the full details are yet to come to light, it would seem the mighty Kev was less than impressed at Mike Ashley's - the Newcastle United owner - suggestion that the reserve team coach duties should be shared between Ronan Keaton and Jan Leeming.

A member of the office staff at St James' Park told Squirrel World News that Keegan is thought to have preferred William Shatner as reserve coach.

Keegan also wanted to make Paul McKenna club captain, which did not go down well with the current club captain Felicity Kendall.

However, super Kev may return to the recording studio later this month to record his first single in 30 years.

Giant Toilet Roll Terrorises Manchester

Manchester, England, was today the victim of an attack by a giant toilet roll.
Hundreds of people were horrified to be confronted by the massive walking toilet roll as they approached Piccadilly Gardens in the central area of the city.
One witness, who works in an office block which forms part of the gardens, described his terror as he was making his way to work.
"I turned the corner at Kro Bar to be confronted by a real live giant toilet roll man. It was horrible, like something out of that movie ... you know the one ... er ... Jaws 2, that was it!"

Others also claimed to have witnessed a giant walking "oven ready" chicken.
It cannot be confirmed at this moment whether the chicken was connected to the giant toilet roll attack.

Sources close to CID and Greater Manchester Police have issued a warning to travellers to the city centre for tomorrow:
"Beware of a giant mongoose and also of a giant rotating octopus. Our intelligence have told us they have been spotted moving in towards the central area of Manchester. They are currently near the Oldham area. However, we can confirm the giant toilet roll was disposed of accordingly".
A spokesman for GMP refused to confirm that they had used a giant Andrex puppy to rid the city centre of the giant toilet roll.

The giant "oven ready" chicken appears to have disappeared or has gone into hiding - more on this beast as we get information.

A giant toilet roll which terrorised Chicago
in 1977, pictured on capture by the
Chicago state Police Department
after a running overnight battle

Jade Goody: "Surgery Went Wrong"

Jade Goody today admitted her latest cosmetic surgery had gone extremely wrong.
(We warn some viewers that they may find the picture attached to this article exremely distressing)
Goody was thought to have been spending between $120,000 - $400,000 per treatment in an exclusive Beverly Hills surgery.
However, it has been revealed that Goody has been attending Archers Tattoos and Stuff Emporium in Colchester, Essex, where the average "treatment" is quoted as "£12.50 and/or a favour".
Local Colchester people complained of seeing a "self-obssessed minger" wobbling about in the streets, just before tea time.
Corrective surgery is scheduled for 18th Novtember 2307.

The Goody management released this photo and want to warn "other beautiful celebrities" of the "dangers of excessive cosmetic surgery".

Jade Goody, pictured by Benjamin Trousers-Ketchup

leaving Archers Tattoos earlier this month

Keegan Ruled Out of Toe Drummer Job

Toe have tonight confirmed that Kevin Keegan has ruled himself out of the running for the vacant drummer position.

Despite not featuring in the Squirrel World News poll, Keegan was thought to be amongst the fans favourites to become the new drummer.

A spokesman for Keegan stated "Unfortunately at this time Kevin feels he needs to expand his musical knowledge, before embarking on a journey as great as offered by the mighty Toe. But Kevin is eternally greatful for the offer."

Toe commented "Kev was offered the chance to join the world's number 2 band, but he was unwilling to grow his 70's perm back to its former glory. We also noted that he was pretty sh!t on the drums. But a great singer, mind you."

Sweden Has Disappeared From Face of Earth

Tonight at 10.33pm it was confirmed that the whole of Sweden has actually disappeared.

One man whom regularly walked from Trondheim in Norway to Ostersund in Sweden said:
"I reached the Norwegian border then suddenly was forced to stop, as I nearly fell a thousand feet towards the Earth's core. I must admit I was a little shocked to find Sweden was no longer there, but was more concerned because I thought I saw Rochdale. But I had to laugh when I realised it was an oddly shaped blue comb"

The United Nations was tonight intensifying its search for Sweden, although they were warning outside agencies that Sweden may be too far down in the Earth's core to be pulled out by the single tractor they have at hand.

Many Swedish ex-pats were flocking to the monument of Bjorn from Abba which was crafted in Montevideo, Uruguay during the Boar War by an owl.

Many European leaders offered their condolences to the Swedish nation, but added that they were hopeful that Sweden would be pulled out from the centre of the Earth soon.



Dave Ljongrundssen and Kebon McDavelsson.
Two of the Swedish men feared to be missing in the tragedy

Norwegian Loss of Daylight Causes Mass Panic

Today in Stavanger, Norway, residents and workers were thrown into chaos as day was suddenly turned into night for approximately 2.6 seconds.
Many ran in random directions screaming in terror.
One Stavanger baker managed to find himself rolling haphazardly down the side of a railway embankment.
He didn't even know how he got there.
Some students from a nearby dental college started beating each other to death with false heads, used in class by students to practise their fine dentistry technique.
A newly wed couple died when their car missed a turning and struck a giant golden cat.
Two dogs and a reindeer dragged an old lady underneath some cattle who were grazing in a field on the outskirts.
The old lady was largely unharmed, but one cow complained of a headache.
In the panic, tens of residents were found drifting out to sea - presumedly they had jumped when the blackout occurred.
The local firebrigade were called out, but many had fallen to their deaths already - having missed the pole when the alarm sounded.
The presence of molten lava in the station assembly area is still a mystery, however.
A tree surgeon was admitted to hospital with severe squirrel and nut related injuries.
He was 20 feet in the air pruning a birch tree, when the incident happened, and he claimed that he was forced to endure "insane berzerker squirrel action! They went bonkers, man!"
Scientists are exploring the possibility that the entire population of Stavanger blinked at the same time, causing the illusion of a sudden loss of daylight.
Reports of giant floating socks were reported last week over Finland, however these reports were not substantiated by the Finnish Authorities or by the European Space Agency.

Stavanger photographed from Saturn on a Shrove Tuesday in the

middle of winter whilst cherubs played Beethovens 5th utilising

an orchestra of igneous rock formations

Tom Jones Rules Himself out of Newcastle Hotseat

Legendary Welsh crooner, Tom Jones, has distanced himself from reports stating that he has been involved in secret talks with the Newcastle United owner Mike Ashley - about becoming the club's new first team manager.

A spokesman for Mr Jones, aged 26, commented:

"Tom was very flattered with the link to Newcastle United manager's job, but he is currently recording a new album of Norwegian death metal songs. The songs were especially picked for him by Uri Geller, last Tuesday at about 4am. Rumours that Ruud Gullit is working on the album are not true, although we did contact Kenny Dalglish - but he was at a steam tractor convention in Keswick and unobtainable."

Officials at Newcastle United were maintaining radio silence today, although owner Mike Ashley was seen entering the St James' Park stadium.

He was wearing black shoes, grey trousers and jacket, a white shirt and black and white tie, and also a white baseball cap.To many observers, this was a sign that Mr Ashley was thinking about convincing Amanda Holden to take charge.

The fans favourite for the manager's job, Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen, is due to meet with Staff Sergeant Maurice Oaklam Beale at the Swanwick Naval Association gala luncheon this afternoon.

No genetically modified products are said to be on the menu.

Bowen was expected to provide the doilies and cardboard cut-out Shane McGowan figures.

Ricky Hatton to fight a sponge

Former WBC Welterweight champion, Ricky Hatton has today revealed his next opponent will be a sponge named Lee. The bout being nicknamed "The Inanimate Squishy Device verses the Sponge" is to be fought in a shed in the back garden of a council property in Liverpool on August 17th 2019.

Lee the Sponge who has never been KO'd in his 984 match career is hoping to get his first victory against Hatton in Liverpool and has expressed his great passion for washing machines. When asked what his preparation for big fights such as this one include, Lee simply took a pen and paper, drew a washing machine and proceeded to make orgasmic noises. His manager, Sam Allardyce was quoted "I think the fight has come at a good time for both of these great boxers. Hatton needs a good performance to get over his defeat to Floyd Mayweather and well, Lee is a sponge"


the washing machine drew by Lee

Unusual Omelette Ingredient - a Black Hole

A woman in Wyoming was stunned to bite into a freshly made cheese and mushroom omelette, only to be sucked into an alternative dimension via a black hole.

Government Officials and experts are trying to decide on the best course of action to rescue Mrs Granville Phipps of Sheridan, Wyoming who was the unwitting victim of the unusual cooking accident.

The black hole was revealed between slightly uncooked egg and a mushroom at 7:54am this morning.

Her startled husband, Randolph, could only watch in terror as his wife was sucked into the omelette, before disappearing in a matter of seconds.

A pepper pot and one cup of decaffeinated coffee were knocked off the kitchen table and believed to be destroyed during the incident.

Mr Phipps commented:

"I was tucking into my mongoose bagel, when suddenly Granville shrieked. She disappeared into the omelette - without a trace. There was just a swirling black madness where there was once my Granville".

Scientist are due to embark on tests in the Phipps' kitchen later today.

It isn't know as yet whether the black hole remains in the kitchen, although they have issued a statement to reassure local residents that there isn't any chance of the entire universe being sucked through Mrs Phipps' omelette.

Local residents are planning a whip-round to replace the broken coffee mug,

Squirrel World News will keep you informed of this omelette related mystery as we learn more.

The Search for the Golden X

The world famous Bolivian explorer, Georgio D Anchovy, has revelaed his new quest at a crowded news conference held in a phone box in a New York street.
Anchovy, who was the first man to successfully find Noah's Ark intact in Hungary, states that his new quest will take him all the way around the globe in search of the legendary Golden X.
His ship, The Bagel Cheese Helmet, and crew are readying themselves to set sail from Krakow in Poland at any given time.

The mighty ship Bagel Cheese Helmet,
resting in a Romanian forest
one Thursday in the autumn of 1978





The Golden X is said to be made from purest golden oranges, which have been weaved together using platinum and diamond encrusted toe nail clippers.
The Golden X was believed to have been taken to Spain by cotton traders of the 17th century from the Panama region.
Its origins are mysterious and some claim that the object fell to Earth from space.
Others follow the theory that the Golden X was guilded by monkeys in the jungles of Cyprus.
From Spain the Golden X was paraded throughout continental Europe before King Hazelnut IV of Pomonia was thought to have won the Golden X in a duel over his 129th wife Francesca De Sock.
It is from here that the location of the legendary Golden X becomes a bit blurred.
Hazelnut IV moved to Africa in the mid 1600's, yet records show he died at a carrot waving festival held in what is now Moldova in 1672.

If Anchovy finds the Golden X, he has stated he will donate a whole sock biscuit to David Duchovny.

Luton win bid to host 2015 World Scrotum Grilling Championship

Luton have been chosen to host the 2015 World Scrotum Grilling Championship. It will be the 3rd time that Luton have hosted the competition in the 126 years the history of the sport.

Luton beat the likes of Barcelona, Milan and Las Vegas to host the biggest competition in scrotum grilling.

Reigning champion, Timothy Dalton who will be hoping to retain his title is said to be thrilled that the competition will be returning to Luton as that is where he won his first of 9 World titles there at the tender age of 13 in 1902.

The local council have given the go ahead for a new 80,000 seater stadium to be built to host the event and construction is scheduled to begin this summer.

Darren Fletcher pledges future to United

Manchester United fans have been kicking themselves today after learning that Scottish vice-captain Darren Fletcher wants to remain at United for the remainder of his career and also fancies himself taking over as manager in the future.

Sir Alex Ferguson told Squirrel World News "this is obviously very concerning news for everyone at the club and the fans. this is a club of great tradition and a club that is expected to succeed so to hear that Darren wants to be a big part of United's future is very distressing"

Season ticket holder, Alan Broccoli told SWN "this my friends, is an outrage, just when things were looking bright for United's future with Rooney and Ronaldo leading us into a bright future, Darren Fletcher has put a huge downer on the whole thing"

Mast Unveiled on Everest

Engineers today unveiled a 400 foot telecommunications mast they have erected at the summit of Mount Everest.

T-Mobile today stated that the mast will enable them to provide adequate services to both their customers in Armenia and Georgia.

Although it was rumoured Kakhbar Mongoosviladze had moved from his home in Tblisi, Georgia, to a new home in Kobe, Japan.

T-Mobile were hopeful that Shozan McLardian will remain in Armenia.

A spokesman for T-Mobile stated "Today is a great day for our Georgian and Armenian customers. Constructing the Everest mast is our way of giving the people what they want. Which is really, really, really good."

Mountaineers are now planning new climbs to the summit of Everest, in which the additional 400 feet is being viewed as "an exceptional fresh challenge" - as commented Christophe O'Hara Johanssen of the Santiago climbing club, Cyprus.

T-Mobile are however refusing to comment on claims by Hungarian News that 2,837 technical, engineering and cleaning staff and 38 geese, 2 cats and a kangaroo died whilst building the mast.

"I am a Cauliflower" Claims Cameron

David Cameron today shocked members of an over 55's crown green bowling club, by rolling around on the ground and shouting "I am cauliflower" to all and sundry.
Cameron, who celebrated his 912th birthday today, has only just taken over the patronage of the Chesterfield over 55's crown green bowling club as part of his birthday celebrations.

Members were stunned by Cameron's antics and eventually they were forced to have Cameron removed by the East Kilbride formation dancing and aerobics team.
"It was a disgrace" commented Reginald Takamoto McTeeth "I've been a member for 23 minutes but have never seen such a nuisance in all my time here. He should be flogged at dawn. Then shot. Then eaten by squirrels. And cut in half. And bopped on the head repeatedly with a large herring."

The club secretary, Archibald Leopold Benitez Aguilera whom has been a member for 156 centuries, stated "The club has been forced to ban cauliflower impersonators from its premises from this day forth. As for Mr David Cameron, his membership has been revoked and to be quite frank he is regarded as a bit of a nitwit around Chesterfield. On a personal note, I'd like to point out that I think Mr Cameron makes for a pathetic cauliflower but for a great twat."
Cameron was available for comment, but he was insistent on wearing leaves and telling us he was a cauliflower at high volume.
Therefore we declined his interview.

Members of the 1996 Crystal Palace football team however have taken Cameron under their wing.
Current reports state that Cameron is making fine progress under the watchful eye of Mark Bright and Geoff Thomas.
Only time will tell whether there is any hope of redemption for this estranged Dave.

A cauliflower pretending to be Simon Cowell,

taken at the international festival of vegetable

celebrity impersonators, Hong Kong 1967

Jim Carrey Shaped Balloon Flattens Coimbra

Portugal was put on a state of alert tonight, as it has been reported that central city Coimbra has been completely devestated when a giant Jim Carrey shaped balloon landed upon it.

Early reports suggest that there were no survivors.

The origin of the balloon is unknown, but is believed to be still at large.

A United Nations peace-keeping force has been designated to the region to aid the clear up operation.

Air Forces of Central Europe have been put on standby, in case the balloon attacks again.

Satellites are tracking the movement of the balloon, which is thought to be cruising several thousand feet above Portugal at present.

President Bush has offered his support to the people of Portugal, but Gordon Brown was unavailable to comment as he is currently on the toilet.

The last known balloon city flattening incident occurred late in 1978, when a giant balloon shaped like Noel Edmonds squashed the Polish city of Katowice injuring 14 people.

An evil balloon shaped like Johnny Vegas
carries off a hapless child during an attack
on Nuneaton in 1583

Ed Balls Found!

Labour MP Ed Balls, who went missing in 1987 during an expedition to climb a hill in Bari, has been found alive and well living in a tent in Slovakia.

Speaking on behalf of MP Balls, Duncan Bannatyne commented "We are all relieved that Ed has been found. We all feared the worst for him. His family are especially pleased and are arranging for his return to the UK as soon as possible."

The familly of MP Balls were unavailable to comment, but we believe they were on business in Honduras at the time of Ed Balls' reappearance.

His colleagues in the Labour Party were said to be "over the moon" at the news, but will be releasing an official statement as soon as Gordon Brown has returned from the lavatory.

He has been there for the last four days.

Honda's Cheesy Jeep is Unleashed

Technology boffins in Tokyo are wetting themselves with excitement after Honda launched their innovative new Q series jeep - made entirely out of cheese.
Boasting special features such as wedges of Edam for pedals, and a dashboard constructed from Parmesan, the jeep is retailing at $10,273 to the luxury edition at $19,267 which comes with extra Gorgonzola and Brie.
Crackers and pickle are available as an optional extra on all models.
Yoto Sakabungo of Honda's Gourmet Division commented: "The launch of this jeep heralds a new exciting era and combines people's inherent love of motoring and cheese to give one an ultimate driving experience."
The real innovation is the jeep's transmission and gearbox system, which utilises Roquefort technology with the traditional French Roule.
The vehicle is set to be launched into the European and American markets in late April 2008.

Some cheese pictured Novtember 1857

by Richard Clayderman

Happy New Year!

FROM ALL AT THE SQUIRREL WORLD NEWS TEAM!!

Sock Workers Strike

The sock industry is today bracing itself as plans of a general sock workers strike have come to light.
Analysts fear that the world's largest manufacturer of socks, Sony Eriksson, will be the worst affected.

Sony Eriksson's sock manufacturing wing employs some 18 people - 11 people based at their UK operation in Runcorn, Cheshire alone.

Turnover for sock production for Sony Eriksson is estimated at $154billion per annum, based on 2004 figures which were quoted as 12.036 Euros.

A sock worker, last week
UniSock, the sock industry union leader, have stated on their website:

"The leading employers in the sock industry have been overstepping common decency - in terms of pay and conditions - for far too long. In 2006 the top 3 sock manufacturers made an estimated worldwide profit of $379billion. The top earning executive earns $182 per year, whereas the committed and loyal factory workers are taking home a mere £87,362.00 per annum on average. We are outraged, as it is far too low an average".

Squirrel World News will keep readers updated of the latest news on this worrying and potentially disastrous strike as it happens.

Toe Drummer Quits Band Horror!

Legendary folk/metal/Gregorian chanting/ragga/jazz/happy hardcore band Toe, officially listed as "The 2nd Most Awesome Band on the Planet" by What's Awesome magazine, announced on their website the departure of their Scottish drummer and founding member Jose Julio Ramirez Capucho Fernandez.

Fernandez' skill on the drumkit enabled Toe to produce many of their trademark time signature changing rhythms, and the band even turned to Fernandez for lead vocal duties on their seminal 1996 masterpiece "There was a Bowl on a Hill That I Forgot to Mention".

Although Fernandez isn't officially dead, fans of Toe are said to be planning to carry a coffin of their former favourite to each of Toe's yet to be announced forthcoming European tour, which is likely to take in Fernandez' hometown of Vilnius.

A spokesman for Toe was not available to comment, as they were all still in bed following a hard night's partying and studying cabbages at a barn near Haslemere.